Friends, today is Sunday, Feburary 12—Sunday, February 12. What does that make Tuesday? February 14—Valentine’s Day! Husbands, boyfriends—did you hear that? Tuesday is Valentines Day! Wives, girlfriends—Tuesday is Valentines’ Day.
During the 1st years of our marriage, two of Kevin’s officemates became engaged.
Kevin’s first piece of advice for each of them was this: On Valentines’ Day and on her birthday, if your wife says she doesn’t want a gift, don’t believe her. If you listen to her and just get her a card, she’ll get mad at you. I am ashamed to admit, Kevin spoke from experience—with me. You see I had been brought up not to ask for anything from anyone. So when Kevin asked me what I wanted for Valentine’s Day, I replied, “Nothing. Oh, you can just get me a card.” But I also had these cultural expectations—fueled by FTD—“when you care enough to send the very best” and jewelry store advertisements—“nothing says love like a diamond.” So I thought he would know I really wanted jewelry or flowers or something. Kevin, on the other hand grew up with 4 brothers who said what they meant and meant what they said. Coming from those 2 different perspectives, our couple communication could have been disastrous.
Family systems theory tells us that people engaged in healthy communication are in tune with their own feelings. They choose how they will respond to—not react—but respond to those feelings. And they honestly and kindly say what they need. In other words, people engaged in healthy communication don’t expect others to read their mind. Instead, they speak up—using non-judgmental language. Speaking up—in healthy family systems means naming a need and identifying how your spouse, your child, your parent can help you meet that need.
Speaking up—naming the problem and identifying who can help solve it and how—is healthy Christian disciple communication as well. In today’s scriptures, we encounter people speaking up. Let’s start with Naaman’s story. A captive foreign girl slave—the very bottom of the household hierarchy—summons her courage and speaks up. She names her master’s problem—leprosy. And she offers a solution—there is a prophet in her home country who can cure him. Naaman, the heavily decorated war hero of Aram, needs diplomatic introduction to the king of Israel. So he speaks up—“outing” himself as a leper to his own sovereign. And when Naaman blows his stack, furious with the prophet Elisha’s insulting prescription for his leprosy—go wash in the Jordan river—
his servant speaks up, reminding Naaman why he came to Israel—not to save face but to be cured. Speaking up—naming the problem and facing the one who can help solve it—is not easy or comfortable.
Set in 1st century, Roman-occupied Palestine, 800 years after Naaman’s story, today’s gospel text offers more speaking up. Lepers in the Jewish state of Palestine were cast out from family, from friends, and from society. Exiled to the countryside, they were to stay away from the roads and to shout “unclean” if anyone ventured near their dwellings. Instead the leper in Mark’s gospel approaches Jesus. Getting right up there in Jesus’ face, he speaks up. Look at me. I’m a leper. “If you choose, you can make me clean.”(Mark 1:40) And Jesus speaks up—“I do chose. Be made clean.” (Mark 1: 41) Jesus heals him, then sends him to the priest—the one who can confirm his cleansing and restore him to community—allowing him to rejoin his family and friends.
Two lepers—separated by 800 years; from different cultures; one privileged, the other destitute. Each one of them, in his own way, speaks up saying, “I need help.” And pointing at those who can assist, “You can help me. So help me.”
I wonder if, like me, you were brought up not to ask for anything from anyone. If so, are you as uncomfortable as I am in naming my problems and seeking the help of others? Why the discomfort? Is it because we don’t want anyone to know we don’t really “have it all together”—we aren’t truly in control of everything about our lives? Newsflash—we aren’t supposed to be in control—God is. Why the discomfort? Is it because we worry others will think less of us knowing we have a need? Is our pride binding us to our problem like Naaman’s pride almost kept him bound to his leprosy? Speaking up—naming our problem and asking for help—is Christian disciple behavior. After all, Jesus said the greatest commandments are to love God with our whole being and to love others as we love ourselves. Speaking up about our problem opens the door for Christian brothers and sisters to show us their love. It opens the door for them to minister to us as Christ commands.
Have you thought about that? When we keep silent about a need we have that someone else can help us with , we are denying them an opportunity for Christian ministry.
Our scriptures today also offer examples of speaking up on behalf of others. Remember Naaman’s foreign slave girl? She was the first to name his disease. Remember Naaman’s servants? They convinced him to try the Jordan River cure. Perhaps Naaman’s servants are models for us—Christ’s servants. We, too, are called to speak up on behalf of those in need. Perhaps naming a problem our friend does not want to acknowledge . . . perhaps calling out a family member on his destructive behavior.
The examples in today’s texts don’t stop with speaking up. Elisha knew “the cure” for Naaman, and he shared it with him. Jesus had the power to heal the leper near Capernaum, so he healed him. When we have the wherewithal to help, we are expected to help. Unlike the king of Israel who was suspicious of Naaman’s motives—we are expected to hear the request, accept it in good faith and help solve the problem. So when a young man comes to the church asking for enough gas to get him to a job interview in Ottawa, what should my response be? “Follow me to Casey’s, and I’ll put a few gallons of gas in your car.” Hear the request, accept it in good faith, help solve the problem.
But sometimes we don’t have the means to solve the problem. Then what? We follow Jesus’ example. Remember Jesus told the leper to “show yourself to the priest and offer for your cleansing what Moses commanded.” (Mark 1:44) Only the priest could restore the leper to his friends and family. Jesus referred the now-healed leper to the one who could complete the solution to his problem—the one who could proclaim him “officially” clean. Sometimes, we need to refer a problem to someone else. Because this church does not have an on-site food pantry, we refer people who are hungry to the PACA food pantry. And this congregation faithfully and generously gives to keep food on PACA pantry shelves. That was an institutional example. What about an individual example? When a friend, neighbor, co-worker, or acquaintance needs to talk, we can listen. We can help them think through possible responses to the situation that is troubling them, and pray with them. And if our conversation indicates a need for more help, we can refer them to professional counseling. Such a need will come to light in our conversation—as we communicate with one another.
Communication—speaking up, honestly, and openly about our needs and opening ourselves to the care of others is healthy disciple behavior. Communication—listening—opening our ears, our hearts, and our eyes to recognize a need presented then responding to what we hear and see with our own resources and skills; or referring the problem to people or agencies who have the needed resources is healthy disciple behavior. Communication—speaking up, listening and responding in love is key to healthy relationships—healthy families, healthy congregations, and healthy communities. So, to our health, let us speak up, listen, and respond in love.
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